reflections.

1. Don’t f*ck with me.
2. Make me laugh. (its really not that hard)
3. Understand that I am an only child, I talk like a white girl, and I occasionally have a potty mouth and a perverted sense of humor.
4. Talk to me first before you assume things, much smoother than the other way around.
5. I don’t like picking a place to eat, what movie to watch, or what to do unless I am alone.
6. My mom comes before anyone else in the world, sorry not sorry.
7. I like to dibble dabble into whatever I can so learn to roll with the punches.
8. I am a curious cat so expect lots of questions. Not trying to be nosy but I like knowing every detail of a story.
9. My life motto is not “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” which means don’t even think about waking me up unless you like a full on in your face kind of attitude.
10. Lastly, I love sweets always have always will so expect to see a cookie monster type craving once every month.

I may not have children or know what it’s like to be a parent. But what I do know is basic humanity, compassion, and love. Everyone deserves to be loved and cared for especially by their parents. Even though most may not plan their children there is 9 months of preparing and wrapping your head around the idea that a beautiful child is coming. And that child deserves to be raised by the people who brought them into this world because they certainly didn’t create themselves. This might be presumptuous but I truly believe that if you believe you’re responsible enough to have sex then be responsible enough to raise your child. Because no matter what your intentions are and how good they may be you are putting a permanent hole inside their heart by abandoning them.

Its funny how I am by far my own worst enemy. I have a lot of different sides to me and somehow or another one comes and bites me in the butt. My sensitive side will lead me down paths filled with raw emotions that drive my logical and reasonable side crazy. Sometimes I really don’t know which one to listen to and follow. I wish decisions were so much easier to make than having to constantly battle with myself and always suffer repercussions. I will rarely come out of a choice without any harm or regrets, always wondering if I followed the right side whether it be my head or my heart. I wish I knew which side to listen to more, it’d make life a little bit easier. I’m becoming more and more exhausted by my anger, frustration, and confusion towards myself. Sometimes I wish I could blame it on someone other than me.

Why is it so incredibly difficult to forgive? The initial anger, hurt, and bitterness is gone but those after effects, those lingering feelings always creep up. And those feelings stem from feeling so helpless knowing how much I care and want, but receive either nothing in return or half assed effort. Its so difficult to just say ‘Okay’ and walk away thinking I tried and if the other person didn’t reciprocate, that it’s fine. I find myself always caring too much for someone who seems to not care for me. As much as I say I have forgiven I still cannot fathom not having a relationship with someone who was supposed to raise me, love me, take care of me, and mold me into the person I should be today. Sometimes I wish I could erase the memories because instead of being something I could hold on to all it does is give me pain. I am realizing maybe forgiveness is easy but the pain will take years for it to fully heal. More than 10 years has passed and I can still cry over the lack of a relationship, communication, and love. I want to let go. I’m so tired of having a crack in my heart.

Oh, tumbler how I have missed you. My life has finally calmed down from the strangest and most stressful week of my life. I have begun a new journey alone with a new mode of transportation that has me feeling anxious. In the pit of my stomach, deep in my gut I have these butterflies. It feels like the calm before the storm. The question is whether this storm is going to be bad or good. It shakes me, wakes me up with chills that scares me but excites me. I’m hoping its a storm so grand I can look back at my life and call it a pivotal moment. Its something. This something is coming and I may not be ready for it but I am anticipating its arrival.

God is amazing. I love that he can speak to me in anyway possible. Yes, as a diligent Christian it is good to constantly read the word and seek his wisdom through the actual Bible. But, being someone who loves a more personable and individualistic type of attention and teaching I think he speaks to me through ways I would recognize. Tonight I learned that life is short. And because its so short I need to start living my life and stop being so afraid. He said in Joshua 1:9 to be strong and courageous because he is with me wherever I go. I also took away that because life is so short to let go of my anger. I don’t want the day that I’m lying on my death bed thinking of all the time I had lost wasting on hating someone. Sometimes messages like these hit me hard and gets me a little emotional. I kind of grieve the time I’ve lost already but I hope that I have enough time to make up for it. 

When I need answers the most the Bible always gives me the right verses:

2 Corinthians 12 : 9-10

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Philippians 4:7

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

A lot of people have those stories, the ones about how lost and low they were in life at some point until something happened, a miracle, and everything changed since then. Some believe its their own destiny or by their own will that their life changed for the better but for me I genuinely whole heartily believe God changed my life.

Probably about two months prior I was in my own personal hell. I wasn’t living. I waited for the hours to go by so I could just move on to the next day and the next day til there were no more. I wasn’t suicidal or wishing life would end but I wasn’t living it either.

For about 5 years I’ve been struggling with my past failures and I just couldn’t look beyond them or forgive myself for allowing myself for reaching this new level of low I never experienced before. So each day it ate away at me: at my mind, my self esteem, my pride, my confidence, my body, my relationships, everything I considered to be a part of my identity. It was like a cancer and I gave up on finding the cure. All of this negativity just continued to stack on top of each other. Even the smallest problems I would see it as a result of my past. I was punishing myself without even realizing it. I was such an amazing actress and liar that I could convince everyone around me that I had no real issues or needed help. I looked like a girl with a carefree life and everything came easy to me. It was so easy pretending to be happy and nobody ever questioned its sincerity. It got to a point that I was even convincing myself.

I was riding a never ending roller coaster, I could literally be on a happy high from an awesome retreat and a minute later be completely bummed because I knew it was temporary. This easily could have gone on for the rest of my life but one day towards the end of winter break a light bulb went off in my head. I remember I was just wasting away on my couch watching television and suddenly I realized there was something seriously wrong. I went upstairs to talk to my mom about how ever since I entered college I changed for the worse. Even how the conversation went was different this time. I told her how my negativity couldn’t be changed by just ‘being happy’ or by getting off the couch. We’ve had multiple conversations about my struggles and talked through how to change my future each time but each attempt failed worse than the last. We’re extremely close and having heartfelt conversations occur often but this conversation was unlike anything we’ve ever had before. I felt for the first time she was understanding me. By God’s grace she was thinking as someone who cared for me without all the cultural expectations or doubts. She expressed her regrets as a mother for failing to support me with unconditional love which as a child hits your heart harder than anything in this world. After we talked I prayed a long and hard prayer. I asked God to help me, to really help me. I prayed for him to heal my heart, my mind, to show me what I am capable of, to help me forgive myself and to reconcile with my past. After I prayed I honestly felt let down. I was expecting the heavens to open up and feel some kind of warmth and light, basically the stuff of movies. I felt this was another attempt that would end in failure so going back down to Richmond I had no expectations. I was going to continue to struggle so mind as well start dealing with it. 

But slowly things were changing in my favor. I found this new sense of drive, a conquer the world type of feeling that I once had. I was making daily and future goals for myself. And now I am busy with school, two jobs, and being more social, and I absolutely love it. My days are always filled with something to do when before I could spend a whole day in my apartment being on my laptop. God has blessed me and shown me his true power. The devil was deceiving me with his lies of unworthiness and I kept feeding into it. It was God and God alone that showed me no matter how far I fall away from him he’ll come running after me with open arms and plenty of blessings. He’s shown himself through every aspect of my life. Even in the parts where I didn’t think needed to change he changed it for the better. It seems so cliche to say that God changed my life. I remember hearing it and thinking this is what every Christian says. But, for the first time I witnessed and lived through my first miracle. And now I know God loves me no matter what I do, say, think, or feel. He’s looking out for me because I’m his child and no one else’s. I pray that everyone gets to feel his love because without it life’s meaningless. 

I understand Valentine’s Day isn’t technically a holiday but a business idea that makes millions each year. I don’t hate Valentine’s Day. I actually love the idea that its supposed to be, which is to show the people in your life that they are special no matter whether if they are a significant other, parent, or friend. But, what I hate is what its become, a platform to brag and show off what you got. I just don’t understand what kind of satisfaction you receive telling the whole world that someone loves you so much that they spent over $1000 on you? Isn’t knowing that someone cares for you so much be enough? I just don’t understand. I would never shove it in people’s faces that I’m more blessed or more loved than they are. Its like taking a picture of your paycheck and showing others you make way more than they do. Its classless and rude. Its one thing to wish upon the same blessings you do on others but its another to use it to make others feel less fortunate. So to those who felt unloved and unappreciated this day I am truly sorry just know someone somewhere is thinking of you. Happy Valentine’s Day. 

I don’t like feeling this way. There’s so much more going on in the world that I feel guilty when I am in this state. Especially knowing how blessed and fortunate I am. But, its not an emotion. Its an environment of negativity and the need to distance myself from everyone. I can’t just ‘get over’ it or ‘be happy’. Nobody understands and its so difficult at times to explain how this isn’t something I can control. Its so overpowering sometimes I feel like I’m literally trying to break out of my own body but it won’t let me. I’m a prisoner in my own mind. I don’t like asking for help but its getting to a point where I can’t do this on my own anymore. Its starting to effect me in ways I never imagined. I don’t know what to do but just sleep hoping when I wake up I will feel different. I wish I had specific reasons, reasons people could understand. I just don’t know.

I am really trying. I have let go of being bitter but sometimes anger just comes so naturally. Its easy to get mad. I feel like I am owed so much, of all the things I missed out on. I’m 22 and I still find myself acting like a child crying over the presents I didn’t get. I find myself thinking why am I reacting this way? But, its so hard. School doesn’t teach you to deal with certain situations like this they teach you how to add and your abc’s and some social interactions. Even watching movies and television shows doesn’t help. How do you deal with brokenness when you’re supposed to be a grown adult? I guess every moment and every day will be a battle between myself. I’m trying.