Woooosaaaaaa. Monet’s paintings are the only things that relax me. One day I’m going to visit the places he used as inspiration. (I realize this is a very huge contrast to my last post, but that just makes me eclectic.)

I’m tired of dealing with this and crying about it every time it gets brought up. I’ve been through every type of emotion: confused, sad, upset, angry, stressed, worried, literally an emotional roller coaster.

Two summers ago I finally came to a point of forgiveness and wanted to let go all the anger and hurt and just take the situation for what it was. I also stopped having dreams of having my family back together like it used to be because I needed to face reality. I haven’t thought about my dad in months. I used to think about him a lot hoping he was okay. But, lately I have my own issues and things to figure out so I honestly haven’t even had a second thought. Also what’s the point of worrying about someone who isn’t there?

So while I’m in la la land my mom tells me there’s a huge possibility we’ll be going to Korea. I’m thinking yes, finally I’m so excited its been too long for me! Then, she asks have you talked to your dad? I haven’t talked to him in months, the last time was probably in the summer. She says shouldn’t I contact him and let him know we might be coming? Honestly, I don’t care. She actually thought I wanted to go to Korea to see him. I like going to Korea because I like the actual place. As the conversation goes on I start getting teary eyed and I hate that the topic brings me to this place. A place of just sadness. Of thinking of memories I will never have. Of lost memories that will just be memories in my head. 

I don’t like seeing my dad anymore because it just makes me sad. I don’t know him anymore. We’re only connected by blood and that’s it. There is no relationship. But, I’m tired of being sad or having any type of emotion. I don’t like to think about it because there is so much more in life that I like to think about. So, I’m exhausted.

I don’t really care for it but having a Valentine and getting something is always nice. However, all this its ‘single awareness day’ and ‘I hate this day’ or ‘I love this holiday’ is kind of ridiculous honestly. It has no real meaning other than to show materialistically that you love someone, because you should be showing that person love all year round. I don’t understand why there is such a strong reaction to Valentine’s day. No one ever says ‘I HATE CHRISTMAS’ or its ‘I have no family and friends awareness day’. Or for Halloween, ‘I love Halloween, I can’t wait to scare the bejeezus out of people’. Usually for holidays everyone just wishes everyone else a ‘Happy _blank_ Day!’

I don’t care if you’re single and lonely because you’re single for a reason and if you didn’t like it you had plenty of chances in the year before Valentine’s Day to change that. I also don’t care what your hubby got you for Valentine’s Day. Its like posting all the Christmas gifts you got. Thanks for bragging, didn’t anyone tell you about modesty?

I’ve been having a lot of random thoughts lately:

-I hate when you’re laying in bed trying to sleep and you can’t because you have a million thoughts racing in your head. I like making lists and I made a ton last night and now I can’t remember a thing. 

-It’s amazing how when you have money you can’t find anything to spend it on but when you’re flat broke you have a million things you want to buy. The same concept happens when I go to Forever21, there’s always cute clothes when I don’t have money.

-Justin Bieber. Am I a fan? Not really. I mean the kid is talented and I think his baby videos are super cute and I’m mildly interested in his movie. But, lately I’m appalled by the reaction to him. The guy is 16 years old. A kid. Saying he looks like a lesbian and that you hate him? Seriously, come on! There is no humanity anymore. Same goes for Miley Cyrus but then again she did just turn 18. But, I’m not going to sit here and say I hate her because one I don’t know her. Do you?

-I hate filling out job applications. They all ask for the same information over and over again. I wish there was a universal job application and I could just turn it in every time I look for a job. I’m a genius.

-I want to start vlogging but I’m not sure what to talk about exactly. Hrm. But, I hate my voice so it’ll be interesting if I decide to do it.

-I haven’t been to church in forever. It feels unnatural. I really miss it. I always feel really good afterwards. Even after large group which I haven’t been to in awhile. I won’t have a chance this month because I’m coming home a lot due to personal reasons but I really need to get back to going to church. I’ve also broken my New Year’s Resolution in reading the Bible everyday. :[

-I’ve really gotten into online shopping. I usually buy things once in awhile. Mostly from little things I can buy from ebay but lately I even buy the big things. How people lived without the internet, I will never understand. Online shopping is a lazy man’s dream. And the best part-getting those packages is like Christmas. I can’t wait to buy more stuff.

-I can’t wait to go to Korea this summer! It’s been too long and I miss it a lot. The one thing I have yet to do and I’m dying to do is go to a Big Bang concert. Unfortunately, they’re never in Korea during the summer. I’m hoping just maybe for a small miracle they might have one this year.