Sometimes the only thing people can go on is what you tell them. And its usually a very biased one sided version of the truth. I think I finally get the saying there is her side, his side, and the truth. Always look for the truth never the side. 

I recently had my heart broken. Its been breaking since I went to Korea. It came at me like a train or a ton of bricks. Like most people I would say I had the perfect childhood. Family was the most important thing I valued in my life. It was my family that gave me the most amazing memories. It was those memories I hold on to when I need to go to my happy place. And its those memories now that I need to stop putting on a pedestal. I was naive and childish in thinking I could have a happy ending. Its time to face reality and live in this world where families are broken and they move on for themselves. I was the only one still in denial. But recently I realized I needed to make my own happiness and stop depending on my family to do that for me. I guess I needed this rude awakening to realize that I needed to focus on myself. And for once not feel guilty about it. Its time to start making my own memories and making my own happy ending. I hope I will take this and learn from it so I may spare my future family. So here’s to finding my own happiness hopefully it will have the ending I am so desperately looking for.

Dear Tumblr,

I’m sorry I have been neglecting you. But, I don’t have internet so it makes it extremely hard to spend countless hours looking through posts. I also am trying very hard to be less anti-social and to do well in school. Which means less time spent with you. Until then, its been great.

-Me.

I’m not the type of person who expects God to show up in every situation. I don’t go around thinking God will bless this conversation or this circumstance. But, lately he has shown me he has no bounds. You can’t put God in a box because he’ll just show you he has no limits.

My family wasn’t always Christian. They have all recently found salvation and are starting to go to church. I never realized this when I was growing up, I always assumed since my mom was Christian the rest of my family was. Growing up and growing in my faith I began to start worrying for them but I thought I can’t do anything so why worry. But, its nights like tonight where my whole family is gathered to share one last meal before my mom and I go back home where I truly feel the Lord. I thought tonight would just be filled with good conversation, drinking, and a good meal before we leave. It started off that way but suddenly the conversation starts focusing on God, our faith, and how he is working in our lives. I’ve never felt such joy listening to my family give thanks and praise to God. My eyes were literally watering. Its at that moment I noticed there was a cross next to us. I thought it was so strange I noticed it then and not before. I usually enjoy these conversations with friends but having these conversations with family is so much more rewarding. I have to say tonight completely blew my mind. Its in these small moments I feel that God is real. He has truly shown himself to me and I feel so incredibly blessed.

To the people I care about now and in the future:

I apologize in advance if I seemed intimidating or unapproachable when we met. I apologize for not being an open book and extremely hard to read. I apologize if I seem like I’m not listening or I don’t care. I may have zoned out but I always try to refocus. I apologize for my abrupt facial expressions, sometimes the reaction on my face is a lot faster than what is going on in my head. My head is much more logical than my face. I apologize if it didn’t seem like I liked the gift you got me. I am a stubborn person and can be very hard to please but trust me I sincerely appreciate the gesture which means more to me than the actual present. I apologize if I seem like I am judging you at times. I’m really not, if I care about you that means you’re someone I want to protect and would never want to see hurt or fail which in turn means I may give some tough love now and again. I apologize if it seems like I don’t want to hang out with you. I tend to have a million things running in my head and sometimes I don’t know how to prioritize but it doesn’t mean I’m not thinking of you. If I truly care about you I may not show it all the time but you have a very special place in my heart. I don’t open myself to very many people which means if I have opened up to you I think very highly of you. I write this hoping you’ll begin to understand how hard it can be to care about me and that I may not show my appreciation all the time. But, I truly am grateful beyond just words that God has placed you in my life.