I hate when a dream is so real and vivid you wake up thinking ‘am I dreaming now?’ I think I had one of the best dreams I’ve ever had in a really long time. I woke up literally with a smile on my face. I can’t tell the details of my dream because I am secretely hoping it will actually happen. Sigh. A dream is a wish your heart makes…la di da…when you’re fast a sleep…bo dum…

I’ve only been in Korea for less than day and I’m already learning a lot about myself:

-I can never have a job where I am traveling all the time. Airplanes are no fun past 4 hours. And going through security is not fun either. I just could not do it for other than vacation purposes.

-I love my grandma. She is seriously hilarious. Growing up I always thought she was so strict and resented the fact that I was her only grandchild who was American. But, lately I realized she really does love me. She has such a child like heart and I can tell she really loves my mom. She gets teary eyed knowing she can’t see her as often as her other children. I wish I could even have an ounce of her strength, humility, and faith. She’s amazing.

-I could never live in Korea. I love to visit but I just could never be here long term or forever. I realized living in big cities everything moves so fast including your life. I feel like I’ll be 30 and think where the heck did my life go? Also, I just can’t stand the small hand towels being used as bath towels. I also can’t live without a dryer. I like my clothes soft.

-I’m so thankful to live in a part of VA where there are enough Korean people where I can get good Korean food and not feel so deprived. I don’t think I could live in the middle of nowhere and never be able to eat Korean food.

-I plan on eating bingsoo everyday. There is nothing like bingsoo in Korea. I wish the bingsoo at Shilla was even remotely close to how good it is in Korea. I wonder if the boba is good here? Hm.

-I still can’t believe I’m already here but I came with no expectations so hopefully this will be a good trip! I can’t wait, bring on the memories! :]

I’m doing a new devotional about pursuing spiritual transformation. Honestly, when I saw the title I thought this might be a little too much for me. But, after reading and digesting session one it isn’t as scary.

I’ve learned that being “spiritual” does not mean being a perfect little Christian. All the external stuff isn’t relevant. Its about embracing that living your life without Jesus will get you no where. You should aspire to live like Jesus would (1 John 2:6, Colossians 3:17). Hence the term WWJD (what would Jesus do?) now makes complete sense. And the two things he wants us to do whole heartedly is to love God and love our neighbor as our self (Mark 12:28-34). I also learned that God doesn’t want to just be a part of your spiritual life, he wants to be a part of your life, every little nook and cranny. He isn’t interested in your spiritual shallowness and obsession with the external. All he wants is for you to love him and to love his people. This first session really gave me a sense of freedom. To stop believing in what the world believes a “Christian” should be like but believe in the one person who chose to love me unconditionally. The one verse that really stuck to me was John 15:16-17-“You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit-fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. This is my command: Love each other.” I want to take away from this session that I need to ask more WWJD questions and live my life like Jesus would. I’m excited for what session two will be about, til then.

Just because I don’t open up right away doesn’t make me cold.
Just because I’m blunt or real doesn’t make me a bitch.
Just because I smile a lot doesn’t mean I’m okay.
Just because I dress nice doesn’t make me spoiled.
Just because I drink and like to have a good time doesn’t make me less of a Christian.
Just because I don’t tell you my problems doesn’t mean I don’t have any.
Just because I don’t ask for help doesn’t mean I don’t want it.
Just because I don’t mention my family problems doesn’t mean I have a perfect family.
Just because I wear makeup doesn’t mean I think I’m pretty.
Just because I come off confident doesn’t mean I actually am.
Just because I tell you my opinion doesn’t mean I’m judging you.
Just because I can go on vacations doesn’t make me rich.
Just because I don’t ask for prayer doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like to be prayed for.
Just because I have a lot of guy friends doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like to have more girl friends.
Just thought you should know…

I no longer hold any anger towards you. I have forgiven you for your lack of involvement in my life and I have come to terms with it. I am a strong independent woman who hasn’t and doesn’t resort to being promiscuous and finding love in all the wrong places because I have ‘daddy’ issues. I am finally at peace. I have let all the hurt and anger go like freeing a dove from its cage. It no longer eats me up inside and it feels amazing. However, I was looking forward to starting a new kind of relationship with you, a fresh brand new start. I wasn’t going to hold the past over your head anymore. But, as usual you are letting me down. I try to stop having expectations. Expectations mean I am using the past as a crutch and as a basis for how I think you should act. A part of me wants to believe you will never rise to the occasion and the other part wants you to be my hero and save the day. At this point all I want to do is lecture you like a child. I wanted to reconnect and tell you to get your sh*t together because you are no longer a teenager but a man who has responsibilities. I’m not asking to be a priority because I am grown and no longer need child rearing. But, I would like you to be a part of my life because I was given one earthly father and I would not like to be on my death bed wondering why our relationship was non existent. I’m writing this as a non traditional prayer hoping that my words are read and felt by God. I pray you sense my words and feel some sort of longing. I hate to admit I think of you more lately and I do truly want to see you happy and succeed in life but also chase after God so passionately as I once saw as a little girl. We don’t have all the time in the world and I pray you come to realize that and take the time to get to know the person you helped bring into this world.

Failure isn’t God’s rejection but God’s redirection.

Savior

You couldn’t call me a Christian based off of my behaviors
but despite all of my misguided endeavors
I am loved by Jesus Christ, the one they call Savior.

God,

I pray the same prayer over and over again. I’m tired of having these doubts and fears. Fears of failing over and over again. I keep messing up in school and constantly turning to things that don’t benefit me. I’m so scared to actually achieve my dreams because I know you have great things in store for me. But its so hard to let go of my insecurities and put my life in your hands. I’ve been trying to control my life but not wanting to deal with the consequences. I’m finally getting to a point where I know you love me and you have amazing plans for me but I want to be free of my fears and live my life of freedom through you. I’ve gone through my ups and downs of wrestling in my belief in you but now its whether I’m ready to actually let you have full reign of my life. I pray that you continue to call onto my heart and pull me closer to you. I pray for patience and persistence. I don’t want to lose sight of you. I pray for my life to reflect your glory. But I can’t do anything without you. You have blessed me beyond words or thanks. It seems selfish to ask for more but here I am asking you to continue to help me and continue to send blessings in my life. There is so much uncertainty and I dont’ want to be afraid anymore. I want to be able to fully rely on you. You are such an awesome God. Thank you.

Amen.